Excellence as a Mask

What if your excellence, reliable, generous, always going beyond, is also a mask for something tender? It's been mine, and unpacking it changed my life in very palpable, day-to-day kind of way.

For decades, I've achieved, shown up, followed through. Often going beyond what was asked. In fact, most of the time I was never asked for that "beyond".

I did that not because I didn't value myself, but because being capable, reliable, visionary has kept me safe, connected, relevant.

At times, I over-gave to be indispensable.

I over-functioned in relationships so things wouldn't fall apart.

And I didn't consciously hear my own fear: If I am not useful, will I still be needed? If I am not impressive, will I still be seen?

This is something I've been thinking about more deeply through the work of Terri Cole.

I've shared her writing and podcast on boundaries and conflict with clients over the past year. It resonated strong, especially for high-achievers, relationally attuned folks quietly exhausted by always being the "strong one."

I wanted to share it wider here in my newsletter.

One way Terri frames boundaries that I appreciate: boundaries aren't about controlling other people. They're about being honest with ourselves.

We often describe boundaries just as what comes to mind when we hear those words: walls. But they are not walls, they are clarity. What I mean by clarity is being clear on your own capacity, resources, truth.

And often, they ask us to tolerate the discomfort of being less impressive and more real. They ask us to move from Nice to Kind.

What her work helped clarify for me is how easily excellence can become a mask. A polished, adaptive, even admired mask.

A mask as a way of outsourcing "being seen" to productivity, usefulness, or emotional labor instead of allowing ourselves to be known as we are. Instead of actually me being the one who sees me. Does it make sense?

Over-functioning isn't a moral failure. It's a strategy. A very effective one. And one that eventually asks to be renegotiated.

In the past few months I embraced ordinary. 

I stepped back from over-achieving in public events, shows, concerts, and ceremonies. I chose quiet presence. I stopped over-functioning in relationships to hold them together. I let some bend or fall apart. 

And the truth is, my private practice, collaborations and projects actually grew. But they grew in depth rather than in amount. They grew in alignment and balanced matched energy input.

I am not here to give advice, but I want to leave you with a practice, one drawn from my own framework, for noticing when excellence is serving presence, and when it's quietly hiding something tender.

Beyond Resilience Practice - The Excellence Audit

This isn’t about "dimming your light." It’s about letting it come from wholeness, not survival.

Body

Notice where "excellence" lives right now.

Is there a held breath, tight shoulders, an always-on readiness?

Breath

Pause. Inhale for 4. Hold for 4. Exhale for 6.

Let the shine soften just enough to feel yourself again. Use your imagination to literally imagine the shiny sparkles of being "the best", and then bring the shine down a bit visually, until you feel like You.

Let your body respond to the imagery and breath - let those shoulders drop, make that long exhale.

Expression

Name it gently:

"I'm tempted to over-function here to feel safe."

Then ask: What’s true instead?

For example:"I have the capacity for this today, but not forever", "I'm enough without proving it right now.","It's okay to rest and still be worthy.","My needs matter as much as theirs."

Connection

Speak one kind truth early, without over-explaining or managing the outcome.Let the chips fall as they may. We can loosen our grip on control, just for a bit.

Spirit

Witness yourself without the mask.

Who are you when you’re not proving, perfecting, or performing?

What might open if excellence served authenticity instead of hiding it?

With care,

Mariya